Is it at all interesting to read about how someone else found the process of writing hard? Not really, because this is a very common experience. Twice in the essay, the author lets someone else tell him what to do. Don't be a passive panda. Be an active antelope. But there is no description of what the author did with either one, nor any explanation of why these were so meaningful to his life. In the rewrite, it would be good to explore what he learned about himself and the world by pursuing these interests.
How did they change him or seen him into the person he is today? In the next essay draft, I would suggest subtly making a point about his other qualities.
Or, after the TREE paragraph, the author could explain why this second essay was no better at capturing him than the first. Why is the self in the essay shouting — is it because this version paints him as an overly aggressive activist?
Star Trek fans are a dime a dozen. But a Trekkie who is also a graffiti aficionado? Now that's a novel intersection of cultural tastes. PrepScholar Admissions is the world's best admissions consulting service. We combine world-class admissions counselors with our data-driven, proprietary admissions strategies. We've overseen thousands of students get into their top choice schools , from state colleges to the Ivy League. We know what kinds of students colleges want to admit.
We want to get you admitted to your dream schools. Learn more about PrepScholar Admissions to maximize your chance of getting in. I realized that the one thing that this world needed more than anything was compassion; compassion for those less fortunate than us. I expected harsh conditions, but what I encountered was far worse. The conditions of it hit me by surprise; it looked much worse in real life than compared to the what our group leader had told us. Poverty to me and everyone else I knew was a foreign concept that people hear about on the news or see in documentaries.
But this abject poverty was their life, their reality. As all of this realization came at once, I felt overwhelmed by the weight of what was to come. Would I be able to live in the same conditions as these people?
Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? It was at that moment that I saw how selfish I had been. How many people suffered like this in the world, while I went about life concerned about nothing at all? Thinking back on the trip, maybe I made a difference, maybe not.
But I gained something much more important. I gained the desire to make the world a better place for others. It was in a small, poverty-stricken village in Peru that I finally realized that there was more to life than just being alive. This is an essay that tries to explain a shift in perspective. There are different ways to structure this overarching idea, but a chronological approach that starts with an earlier opinion, describes a mind changing event, and ends with the transformed point of view is an easy and clear way to lay this potentially complex subject out.
Arranging your narrative in order of what happened when is a simple and surefire strategy. Lite via Wikimedia Commons. It just makes this author sound dismissive of a huge swath of the population. Calling others "less fortunate" when you're a senior in high school has a dehumanizing quality to it. These people who have so little were able to forget their own needs, and put those much more fortunate in front of themselves.
Again, this comes across as very patronizing. It may help to imagine you have the compound eyes of an insect.
How many different perspectives can you see and describe? Why were the kids were crying? One specific really loud kid? Why were their clothes dirty? Did they have Sunday clothes? Traditional clothes they would put on for special occasions? Did they make their own clothes? The rewrite should either make this section more specific and less reliant on cliches, or should discard it altogether.
What did their leader tell them? What was different in real life? What was the light like? What time of day was it? Reading vague generalizations is like trying to make sense of this blurry picture.
And after a while, who cares? Without a framing device explaining that this initial panic was an overreaction, this section just makes the author sound whiny, entitled, melodramatic, and immature.
Just how much mortality is typically associated with these very standard college-application-boosting service trips? In a rewrite, I would suggest including more perspective on the author's outsized and overprivileged response here. This would fit well with a new focus on the different points of view on this village the author encountered. Is it really believable that this is what the author learned?
This conclusion is rather vague, and seems mostly a non sequitur. Try looking up the work of Steven Hawkins this may give you a greater understanding. As it is far too complex to start explaining here. The simple fact is that you are allowing you need to believe to create a condition. Time did not exist as we understand it before the big bang but yet you try to give it thought! I'm in year 8 too! Can you answer my question please. Just type "How influential is the supernatural in determining Macbeth's actions?
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